Many Hats, Two Hands
and one head
The dilemma of the day. This time, subtle, rooted in something tangible and steady.
The process, multi-faceted; the painting on the kitchen table leftover from a love past, the notes in my daily journal about the dreams I’ll make real one day.
The content open in preview, begging to be cut up, color graded, and plugged in between an interview and an informational slide — waiting for the day that I figure out financial abundance— in the meantime the footage lives in limbo. My hand me down laptop too ancient for modern editing software. One day soon.
This writing, a framework in which to organize the different pathways to get me where I desire to go. To see them as branching streams and tributaries, making sense of them in lenses like confluences, talking them out loud to see where they pool and intersect.
The penultimate goal being healing. Healing of the self, the earth, community and family. Connecting each facet, not solely for cohesion, mostly in efforts to develop deep wells, reserves of compassion. Compassion for myself; to understand that life is not linear, nor art, not healing. The farthest reach lies in discovering what is that and those which require tending to.
Through the lens of the water —because nor is it — for it moves in myriads of ways, down mountains, through forests, across landscapes, sometimes for all to see and sometimes underground as if in secrecy. I too, move this way, growing and learning, finding my way.
And besides analogies, the intricacies: remaining centered in my values, finding work that is aligned, provides purpose, stability, yet flexibility, deepens my understanding of the world around me.
Anchoring into my bones/connection to source, whatever that may be, leaving behind constantly questioning the details and letting trust be the mantra that moves me into a kind of harmony.
Of course this all barely makes sense, perhaps one day it might. When I look back in two years after having learnt a thing or three about language and writing and all the ways to flesh out a paragraph without making it too lengthy and drawn out.
Mostly it’s for me, to make a bit of sense of things. This writing thing rather a discipline than a joy. A necessity, although I do find some ease in the sitting. Relief in putting my thoughts somewhere other than the swirling chamber of my own mind.
Other things that soothe my soul: It’s mostly the women, by nature, and nature of course, that provide this warmth and grounding. Generally ones of a similar disposition who are able and willing and loving and kind yet fierce in their discernment and strong in their boundaries. It’s that strength that feels safe and comforting and allows for the softening. The vase that holds the water.
Though I know one man who soothes my soul any moment I see him speak with him or think of him. He too thinks like I do, in his own ways. He is so good. He has this thing my grandmother might call the “Grace of God”.
We’ve spent one or two long nights and late mornings. Never one proceeding the other. Always back to our own quarters. He’s a man of God, you see. Not like a priest. Far from it, but still through all his efforts is he filled with the Holy Spirit. And every chance it comes he shares that love.
I really do love this man. He sees my vision, and I his. I have faith, not in the god that he does, but I have faith in him, and me, and the whole of things. He helps me to see, the good, bad and everything in between and call it sacred, all of it.
I love him but I don’t crave him. Not like I crave my heritage. Nor the way I seek peace. I don’t scan the horizon looking for his face, but when I see it, I soften in delight. The love is whole and rounded and rooted in something bigger than me. A friendly reminder to stay soft and trusting, to have faith in fate and the power of belief in the great something that lives within everything.
This is the feeling. This kind of love. Easy. Natural. Not needy, not scary. Something tender and safe yet also empowering and expansive. This is the feeling I want to feel with the person that I’ll make a life with. I can’t say it’s him. Life is varied and I am young and have so much to explore, but I can own this sense of serenity that is activated by him and his ways and take it with me the rest of my days.
